


A Not-FemSlash starring Jayne & MarySue

by delphia2000



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-16
Updated: 2009-11-16
Packaged: 2017-10-03 03:40:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delphia2000/pseuds/delphia2000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein Sue meets a Mercenary of very little brain…</p><p>Humor, crackfic, graphic sex, mention of violence</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Not-FemSlash starring Jayne & MarySue

*Scene opens in Jayne's room as he's sharpening his favorite knife.*

"I'm here at last, darling!" she cooed.

"FUCK!" roared Jayne, as the Bowie knife he'd been honing dropped point first into his thigh.

"Oh, dear," sighed the beautiful maiden, "I'm sorry I startled you. No one told me this was going to be a Hurt/Comfort story. I do so hate the sight of blood. Should I call for Simon? Having a doctor character is very convenient."

She was, of course, gorgeous. Titan red hair cascaded in soft curls around her heart-shaped face and her emerald eyes shone like the stones they imitated. All tits and ass, she was just the kind of woman Jayne would have gravitated to in any bar in the galaxy, except it was clear she was too fine to ever frequent a lowly bar. She was draped in a slinky purple garb that was a little indefinite to be actually termed a dress; it was more like a fabric remnant that covered all the bases without hiding the game's intent.

Grimacing, Jayne jerked the knife from his leg and grabbed a nearby shirt from his clothes pile to staunch the flow of blood. "Nah, last thing I want in my bunk is that little tightass jerkwad. Don't ya have special powers or somethin' to fix this? Yer a Sue, aren't cha?"

She thought for a minute and then brightened, her smile like a spring morning in May, lighting up the room with its joy. "Why, yes, now that you mention it, I do have special powers. That's how I appeared so conveniently and without warning. Here, let me help. We'll have to remove those pants, though," she said demurely as she glided towards him.

He sighed and stood, casting aside the bloodstained shirt to drop his bloodstained pants. "That was going to happen eventually, wasn't it," he acknowledged. "Good thing I was goin' commando, although it was mostly 'cause everyone insisted I wash both pairs of my under shorts. Not that I cain't work around pants, but they generally end up wet and that damn zipper is freakin' cold for those hang-it-out quickies. This isn't a quickie, is it?"

MarySue smiled up through her lashes coyly as she knelt before him and helped him out of the pants rumpled around his ankles, and the boots while she was down there. "No, it's a long and slow that I have in mind; however, it is my first time, so you'll have to be gentle."

Tossing the second boot over her shoulder, she vacuumed his semi-rigid man parts between her lips in a manner neither gentle nor coy. "Jeeze! Take it easy! That's not a computer-enhanced effects shot you got there," he cautioned.

MarySue let go long enough to push him down on the bunk and used both hands to tug his shirt off, eyes gleaming as she drank in the sight of that brawny, hairy chest. "Mmmm…you are all man, love of my life. I'm going to get on my climbing gear and scale you like a mountain."

"Uh, the thigh?" he reminded her.

"Oh, right. Although, there are some who say that fucking through the pain works," she suggested, letting loose of his nipples.

"Yeah, well Ah'm not one of 'em."

She shrugged and then, rubbing her hands together, began to gather her power. Looking up, she muttered something and then, closing her eyes, held out her hands, which began to glow and snap with electricity. She then held her hands over the wound, which sucked in the blue glow, healing up like a film simply run in reverse.

"Mmmmmm!" she groaned as if in orgasm.

"Damn fine work," he grinned, reaching for her. "Puts me right in the mood, too," he said as he grabbed for the purple garment thing and tore it off her.

Her body was perfection, all soft curves that came at him one section at a time as he dragged her on top of him, lying back in the bunk.

"I revived you with some of my power just in case the blood loss might have hampered your performance. It will help us bond," she informed him, their skin heating on impact.

"What's yer name?" he asked, just making conversation as he hefted the weight of her breasts.

"Anything you want, darling," she answered, encouraging him with sexy little wiggles. "You'll need a cute pet name for me when we're alone too."

"Oh, one of those. Okay, how about Stella?"

She stopped moving. "Stella? Isn't that a little…oh, I don't know….maybe, too Tennessee Williams?"

"Hey, I can do 'Streetcar' as good as any Baldwin brother," he insisted, taking her hips and moving her around on his groin in a suggestive rhythm.

She looked askance. "Yeah, right, I believe that one. You know, I'm supposed to be a smart Sue, the better to counterpoint your lack of…well to counterpoint your brawn, laddie. How about we stick with MarySue for the moment. Kiss me," she demanded.

He stopped his roving hands and said, "Uh, I don't kiss. It's against my character."

"It's only whores you don't kiss, sweetie. Me, you kiss. Passionately. Deeply. I'm your One True Love. Didn't you feel it the minute you looked into my stormy eyes?"

"Ah'm feeling something, that's fer sure. Right around my crotch and it's hoping you will shut up soon and get on with it," he informed her, rolling them both over to pin her to the bed with his full weight.

She latched onto him in a full Nelson lip-lock that made him seriously reconsider his position on kissing. The erotic feel of her tongue teasing his tongue played havoc with his ability to hear, drowning out the ever-present thrum of the engines with his own manly purr.

"So you've never...?" he mumbled as he broke the kiss to lick and suck his way down her body.

"No man has ever touched me, although they have all longed to. I've been saving myself for you, dear. For the man who stole my heart. The man I'll love until the day I die. The man I'll marry and the man whose children I'll bear."

"That's a lot of men. You plan on screwing everyone on board?"

She smacked him upside the head. "Pay attention! We are a one true pairing. You will propose and I shall have a child immediately after. The marriage will give you a new bond with Wash and Zoe will hate me for my ability to conceive so easily. It's a plot twist, you ninny. My special abilities will be useful for saving the day when the writers…I mean, WE get into hopeless situations. Besides, look at it this way…if I'm canon, they'll stop pairing you with River."

"Oh, yeah, I can really get on board with that! And you'd better stop that if ya want to lose yer virginity sometime in the next few minutes."

Sue let go of the handful she'd been stroking and went back to tweaking one of his nipples while she attacked the other with her mouth. He'd never realized how much he liked the feeling as she raked her pearly teeth over the hardened nubs, sending jolts all the way down his body. Her own nipples were standing stiffly up like a fake bride and groom on a wedding cake. *Oh, crap, he thought, where did that imagery come from?* Not good; this was a powerful Sue.

He slid his hand down into the hair that curled decorously between her legs and delved into the folds, seeking to either judge her readiness or help that readiness along. "Mmmmm," he breathed into her ear, "Yah, you're hot baby. Is this where it feels good?"

"Oh, God, yes, yes!" she moaned. "Kiss me again! Bite my neck. Fuck me senseless. I want to us to climax at the same time so we'll be bonded in a way you've never felt before. We'll climb the highest heights together and our souls will be one and we'll… "

Jayne wondered if it was possible to at least fuck her speechless. Maybe he should have shoved it in her mouth instead. Most MarySues were usually accommodating that way, although they tended not to admit it. Shifting his weight, he used a knee to spread her thighs. "Open for me, baby," he instructed her.

"This is where you kiss me and tell me you love me as you take me for the first time," she instructed him.

"This is where you shut up and get fucked, lady," he answered her back, thrusting mightily into her virgin territories.

Something sounding like a cross between a wild cat and an engine malfunction erupted from her kiss-swollen lips and she dug her nails into his backside. He stopped moving to give her time to adjust. "I wish they'd quit sending me virgins," he grumbled a little, rising up on his arms to give her panting room.

"They have to send virgins. We're the only ones too good for you so you'll be guilt-ridden as you drag us down to your level."

"You know, the last one didn't talk quite so much."

"The last one wasn't your true love or she'd still be here," MarySue said smugly, flexing a few muscles around him.

"Right," he said and then he pulled back far enough for another deep thrust. If he couldn't shut her up, maybe he could at least reduce her to incoherent moans.

She was wet, hot, and tight and he was through with being a nice guy. He was ready to explode and once started, there was no stopping. He pounded her into the mattress, his panting breaths stealing the air from her lungs as he kissed her deeply, thrusting his tongue in the same rhythm as he violated her.

With a deep groan and a final thrust, he spilled into her. Mouthy or not, she was a sweet piece of ass and she did convince him that a MarySue could be trusted with the pleasures of kissing. "Ummmm baby, you're good," he told her, rolling off her and kindly handing her the blood stained shirt to wipe her thighs.

"I didn't climax yet…and you forgot to tell me how much you love me," she said sadly. "But it's all right…as your true love I understand, it's part of your selfish character that I'm to re-train into a gentle, loving protector of helpless women and crack-brained children. I'll climax later, after we've done it a few more times and then we can go up and you can introduce me to everyone else. I'll be Kaylee's best friend and I can sew hooker things to make friends with Inara and I think I'm a telepath too, so I can talk with River and make sense of her ramblings. And we'll get Shepherd Book to marry us right away…."

"Fuck" said Jayne as he reached for the knife…….

*****************

Simon, Inara, Kaylee and River were playing cards as Jayne strolled into the common room with the body bag over his shoulder.

"Jayne got his brains fucked out again. River says 'Go Fish,'" River announced casually while perusing her cards.

"River," chastised Simon. "That implies he actually had any to start with. And I thought I told you to stay out of that man's mind. It's a sewer."

Mal, Wash and Zoe looked up from the star charts they'd spread out on the table. "Another one?" asked Mal incredulously.

"Guess Ah'm jest prettier than you, captain. Someone want to help me get the airlock?"

Zoe straightened from where she'd been leaning over her husband's shoulder. "What was it this time?"

Jayne shrugged. "The usual. Sex, marriage, babies. You were going to hate her for that."

"Still do, without even knowing her. In that case, I'll be glad to help you take the trash out."

"Everyone, let's not mention this to the Shepherd. This means you too, River. No need to go asking for more grief," Mal ordered

"But Sues are people too," said Kaylee, visibly upset.

"Actually, they aren't," comforted Inara, stroking Kaylee's hair in a suggestive way. "They really are just a figment of imagination. Let's face it; no real woman would fuck Jayne unless she was going to get paid a lot of money and some, not even for that."

"But she would have been a new friend for me and probably could do magic and everything," sobbed Kaylee.

"You do magic, Kaylee," said Simon, reaching out to stroke her hair also, in the same suggestive way. "No one can rev up an engine like you can."

Her tears dried up as quickly as they had appeared as she smiled brightly at the handsome young doctor.

Jayne headed out the door, burden on his shoulder with Zoe and Mal trailing behind him. Together he and Zoe shoved the bag into the airlock and Mal worked the controls. With a sudden hiss, it was sucked into the vacuum of deep space. "Blonde or brunette?" asked Mal as they watched it tumble away.

"Red head. Healing powers and a telepath who sews. Ah really prefer blondes."

"Next blonde you get who can manipulate software, we keep," Zoe requested. "I'll even put up with a baby if she can cook too."

"Be nice if she was related to Nishka, just for the plot twist," Mal added.

"How 'bout related to Inara or Zoe?" suggested Jayne, leering at the warrior woman.

"I know a dozen ways to hurt you without having to break a sweat," Zoe threatened as she grabbed a handful of shirt and pushed him out of her way to exit the cargo bay.

"Was she a good lay at least?" asked Mal.

"Damn fine piece of ass. Best Ah've had all week. Would have been nice if Ah could have stood to listen to her, just to keep 'em from pairing me off with River."

Mal shivered visibly. "That really squicks me."

"Yeah, me too. Ah'm no pedophile," Jayne agreed, and then he grinned, "Just a bastard."

The End


End file.
